My Bell Front Bass Banjo

Bell-Front Upright Bass Banjo

After all of these years, I have finally discovered the "Joy of The Banjo". One of the benefits of becoming more and more deaf is that the sound of the banjo begins to be, if not better, at least more tolerable. Note that I said "better" and "tolerable", not "good"!

The photo shows a talented artist performing on a bell-front, upright bass banjo. This wonderful instrument has only one string compared to the four or five strings on the more standard "transverso" banjo. The major benefit of a single string is that it save 75% of the annoyance generated when hearing a four string banjo and a full 80% of the annoyance of listening to a five string banjo. This is a significant health advantage for persons with a musical inclination.

It is a little known fact that the banjo was originally intended to have a single string. However banjo enthusiasts begin to gradually add strings, one at a time. Soon, four string banjos became common, with some adventurous banjoists pushing the envelope by adding a fifth string. God, or יהוה, as he was know at the time, noticed that the sound of banjos was somewhat disruptive of the Heavenly peace. Referring to the fifth string, He reportedly shouted out, "Enough! That's  plenty."

Theologians long searched for a mysterious "Eleventh Commandment". St. Laurence de Welk discovered an ancient hymn, that had been hastily penned on a genuine calf-skin banjo head dating back to the eighth century B.C..  The hymn, which St. Laurence de Welk titled, "That's A'Plenty", verified that the Eleventh Commandment is  "Afixeth not more than five strings to thy damnable banjo".

The custom bell-front arrangement is an idea gleaned from tubist extraordinaire, Dan Augustine. Dan explained to me that the advantage of a bell front tuba is that it projects all of the blats and splats that are a characteristic of the tuba timbre. I figured that if it works well for a tuba's blats and splats, then it should also work well for a banjo's twangs and blangs.

Most banjos are played in "transverso" (across the body) position. There are known incidents of banjoists whose death throes have been mistaken for an unusually spirited banjo solo. Their passing often goes un-noticed by friends and relatives for several hours if not days. The upright position of the bass banjo has the immediate advantage of letting everyone know that that the banjo artist is still breathing since it can only be played when standing. If you see a bass banjoist laying on the floor, call the coroner!